


Wanda Sykes in "X-Men: First Sass!" (A Cherik/Charik Dialogue Ficlet)

by QuestionableLiteraryMerit



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Dialogue-Only, F/F, Ficlet, Funny, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-27
Updated: 2012-02-27
Packaged: 2017-10-31 20:22:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/348015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuestionableLiteraryMerit/pseuds/QuestionableLiteraryMerit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a little dialogue fic I wrote after imagining what would have happened if Wanda Sykes had intervened during that iconic, climatic moment between Erik and Charles in "X-Men First Class." WARNING: There WILL be swearing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wanda Sykes in "X-Men: First Sass!" (A Cherik/Charik Dialogue Ficlet)

_Moira raises her gun and begins to fire off shots. Erik raises his hand and....suddenly,_

_Wanda Sykes runs out in front of them in a bikini..._

**Wanda** : Hey man! Why you shootin’? I’m on vacation here! If I wanted to have bullets fly over my head while I was napping, I woulda stayed in the _hood_.

 **Moira** : Civilians on the beach. Repeat. There are civilians on the beach.  ( _Moira runs away to try contact her reps at the CIA)_

 **Wanda** :  ( _to Erik_ ) And why the _fuck_ are you deflecting bullets around like a damn fool? You ain’t even watching where they goin'! Someone gon' get HURT. Fucking paralyzed. Seriously, man. We’re talking some Christopher Reeves shit. Damn.

 **Charles** : ( _gets up and dusts himself off_ ) Salutations! My apologies for my friend. We were in the middle of...an altercation of sorts.

 **Wanda** : ( _skeptical frown_ ) Altercation? I was watching ya’ll before Trigger-Happy Tiffany started firing, and believe me…I wouldn’t call that an “ _altercation_.” It looks more like yo' boyfriend just tried to Chris Brown your face into next Tuesday.

 **Erik** : Boyfriend?

 **Charles** : Chris Brown?

 **Erik** : ( _turns around and realizes the missiles have plummeted into the ocean_ )

 **Erik** : The missiles! Damn it!

 **Wanda** : ( _to Charles_ ) You gonna need some heavy duty  **Tina Turner Edition Maybelline**  to cover up  _those_  bruises, son. Mmm-Hmmm.

 **Charles** : Erik, forget about those missiles! Come! Say hello to our new friend.

 **Charles** : ( _moves to shakes Wanda's hand_ ) I’m Charles Xavier.

 **Wanda** : Hey Chuck, I’m Wanda Sykes.

 **Erik** : ( _bitterly_ ) Hello. ( _shakes Wanda's hand as well_ )

 **Wanda** : Oh, well don’t  _strain_  yourself or nothing making my acquaintance, you crazy-helmet bastard.  

( _Erik holds out his hand and begins to strangle Wanda, Moira-Dogtag style using her necklace_ )

 **Wanda** : Hey! HEEEY! He’s chocking me! He’s chocking me with my own necklace! What the fuck kind of Harry Potter shit is THIS?

 **Charles** : He can manipulate metal with his mind. Erik! Stop it!

 **Wanda** : ( _grasping at own neck_ ) Bitch, this necklace is solid  **gold**!

 **Charles** : ( _looks closely_ ) Um, I don’t mean to be rude, but it appears to be gilded. With, er, gold…paint. 

 **Wanda** : ( _shakes her head_ ) Last time I eva buy jewelry from a crack addict…

 **Charles** : Erik,  _please_ let her go!

 **Wanda** : Bitch, you BETTA stop killing me before I break my foot offa yo ass!

( _Erik sighs and then stops.)_  

 **Charles** : Remarkable! What manner of power is it that you posses, Wanda?

 **Wanda** : What? Mannah a' powah?  

( _Beast runs over with a device_.)

 **Beast** : Charles? The sass-ometer is picking up dangerously high levels of sassyness in the area. This woman seems to be emitting them. ( _Beast waves the device over Wanda, the device begins beeping frantically_ ) 

 **Charles** : Remarkable!

 **Beast** : These are levels that would normally be  _lethal_  in ordinary humans. 

 **Wanda** : ( _to Beast_ ) Excuuuuse me? Who the fuck are you? Why you blue? ( _looks over at Raven_ ) Why she blue? ( _looks over to Azazel and Angel_ ) And who the hell are they? What the---is that the Devil with some kind of slutty, Paris Hilton-Tinkerbelle?

 **Charles** : This must be your mutation, Wanda! Extreme Sassyness!  

 **Wanda** : Oh! Ohhhh  _mutations_! I get it now! I get it... _That’s_ why you all look like the circus done broke down in the middle of the beach.

 **Beast** : Wait, you know of mutation? So...you've been with other mutants before? 

 **Wanda** : Well, I guess so, I mean, I done some  _experimentin_ ’ back in college. But that was back when I was still trying to find myself, you know...That's a PERSONAL question, man. Seriously...

 **Raven** : ( _from afar_ ) Mutant and proud! 

 **Wanda** : Yeah! ( _raises fist in solidarity_ ) Get it, girl! Get it!

 **Wanda** : ( _to Charles in a whisper_ ) You know, Smurfette over there is kinda cute. 

 **Erik** : This is pointless!!! We need to strike back NOW, while the humans are intimidated and vulnerable.

 **Wanda** : Strike back? What the fuck? Are we at war or something? 

 **Erik** : We will be! The Russians and the Americans have united against mutantkind! We’ve got to fight them now, while the advantage is ours and their missiles are useless.

 **Wanda** : Russians? Missiles? ( _looks around_ ) The sandy beaches of Florida? Aw shit, I think I done traveled through time again. Fuck! 

 **Charles** : Erik, please stop this.

 **Erik** : ( _moves to grab Charles by the elbow_ ) Charles, I need you to do this with me. I need you by my side. 

 **Charles** : Erik…I…I-

 **Erik** : We’re brothers, Charles. We want the same thing. 

 **Wanda** : Uh, do you two want me to go ahead and leave so ya’ll can have your little Brokeback moment together?

 **Charles** : ( _gently_   _grabs Erik by the shoulders_ ) Erik, let’s go back home! We can talk all this through once we’re safe and sound. It’s too dangerous here! Let’s-let’s just go home now while we’re all still in one piece! 

 **Wanda** : ( _raises index finger_ ) Hold up, Chuck. Where  _is_  home, exactly?

 **Charles** : ( _cheerily_ ) At my family’s billion acre estate in a luxurious mansion. 

 **Wanda** : HOT DAMN!  ( _claps heartily_ ) Whoop Whoop! Case closed. Let’s go home, helmet head! Mama need a drink. You bitches made me spill my Pina Colada earlier with all that shooting ruckus.

( _Erik sighs unhappily, obviously torn. He rubs Charles’ shoulder and looks at him fondly_ )  

 **Erik** : But- but Charles, what about…..what about Moira?

 **Charles** : ( _smiles_ ) I can mindwipe her memory and then dump her off at the DMV on the way home. 

 **Erik** : But she works for the CIA...

 **Charles** : ( _shrugs shoulders happily_ ) Whatever. They’ll reroute her. 

 **Erik** : ( _insert giant fassy shark grin here_ ) Oh, charles!

 **Charles** : ( _looking down_ ) I don’t care about Moira, Erik. I ---( _meets his eyes_ ) I only care about you.  

( _They hug_.)

 **Wanda** : Aww! That is some sweet shit right there. Imma start fucking crying and I don’t even  _know_  you bitches! 

 **Erik** : ( _releases Charles from the hug but still holds him close_ ) Wait, Charles! How will we get out of here with both the ship and submarine grounded?

 **Azazel** : ( _raises hand meekly_ ) Uhhh. I'm a teleporter. We can leave, like, whenever.

 **Angel** : Wait. You can teleport  _all_ of us? At the same time?

 **Azazel** : ( _nodding_ ) Yeah. Yeah... We just have to hold hands.

 **Riptide** : Really, Azazel? REALLY? You wait until NOW to tell us that you can teleport ALL of us? Together?!!!

 **Azazel** : What? What's the problem? I-I don't understand...

 **Angel** : Maybe you could have mentioned that idea BEFORE a sky full of missiles was headed straight for us? Huh? HUH?!!

 **Azazel** : Well, I’m SORRY, but I’m mentioning it NOW. Okay? Would it kill you guys to look at the glass as half-FULL once in a while? Geez. Are there any better ideas? Angel? Do you maybe want to fly us home with your broken wings?

 **Wanda** : Ya’ll better listen to Johnny Cash Satan over there, cause we needs to get out of here. NOW. I’m tired of bullets flying around and missiles dropping and all this fucking shouting.

 **Charles** : Wanda, you're coming with us?

 **Wanda** : Shit yes! I’m sure that whatever you’ve got going on is better than being in the middle of the Cuban-fucking-Missile Crisis….motherfucker….If I ever see that slimy-ass travel agent again, Imma cut her pretty face with all those stupid brochures she keep mailing me!

 **Erik** : It’s settled then. We’re teleporting. 

( _Erik moves to hold Charles’ hand. Charles blushes. Raven moves to hold Erik’s other hand. Wanda intrudes and wedges herself between Erik and Raven. Raven glares at Wanda._ )

 **Wanda** : Hey. How you doing? ( _inspects Raven's face_ ) Girl, I LIKE that blue on you. It really brings out the scary yellow in yo’ eyes. 

( _The other mutants line up. Azazel begins to teleport off the beach but then stops_ )

 **Azazel** : Wait a second. Are we forgetting something? I really feel like we're forgetting something...

( _Everyone looks around and shrugs their shoulders_ )

 **Angel** : Oh wait! I know! 

( _Angel runs over to Sebastian Shaw’s dead body, bends down, and steals his watch._ )

 **Angel** : What? It's not like he was going to use it! We did this all the time back at the strip club. Old guys always die while you're dancing, but you have to make sure to steal their jewelry  **before** you call the cops. Otherwise, well, it can get complicated.

 **Raven** : Shut your dirty, whore mouth.

 **Azazel** : No, no...that’s not it. There’s...something else.

 **Wanda** : Bitch! Hurry up and ‘port us outta here!

( _Azazel teleports them off the beach_ )

**Meanwhile…in a secret government cell:**

**Emma** : Hello! Hello! Is anyone coming for me? Helloooooo?

( _Emma huffs and places her hands on her hips_ )

 **Emma** : Those bitches forgot about me! Oh, well. Time to rescue myself. 

EMMA FROST DIAMOND-ZORD POWER! NOW!!!!

_(Emma turns into her diamond mode and then crashes through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man, or the Incredible Hulk. Your choice.)_


End file.
